Life After Cable

Alright, I forgot to pay my cable bill last month. I forgot and it got turned off. Yes, yes, please feel for me. But I knew a lot of my friends that didn’t have cable and were leading seemingly normal, healthy lives.

What I didn’t know was that secretly they were insane human beings glued to their computers waiting for hulu to update. I missed umpteen episodes of Big Bang Theory, New Girl, and yes, I really missed watching my late night news and documentaries. But guess what else I learned? I survived. I lived without tv shows.

The sun came up the next day. The earth still spun around and there were no zombies knocking at my door (no matter how much I missed Walking Dead.)

I can and have survived without cable. That isn’t to say that I was totally happy about it. People kept ruining the end of episodes by posting them on Facebook or twitter immediately after they happened and I lost my patience more than once with these “serial spoilers.”

If you’re looking to live without cable for a month and you don’t want your shows to be spoiled for you, I suggest taking a hiatus from the internet too. Though, at that point, you really should just move to Newfoundland and be a hermit. It’ll be better for your sanity.

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The Wedge On Fuse, Indie Rock On TV

If you are anything like me you enjoy French films, Hot Pockets and are currently frustrated that the local Target didn’t have your deodorant of choice earlier today, which is obviously Speed Stick Original. You also likely miss the days of Mtv’s 120 Minutes. A fantastic place for indie rock videos that introduced you to some of the best bands and greatest songs of all time. You also might miss the far more local New York Noise. Were it not for the internet it is likely you would never see some of the classic music videos of your favorite bands.

That however might be about to change. These days Fuse TV has taken to airing a Canadian music video show hosted by the charming and charismatic Damian “Pink Eyes” Abraham, lead singer of artsy hardcore band Fucked Up. The show highlights all of the videos being made by some of the coolest bands of the day. It is everything we want from an indie oriented video program and it is hosted by a guy with the knowledge of Matt Pinfield and the entertaining engagement of a Kennedy all in a hulking beast of a frame.

The show airs in the late night ghetto, Saturdays at 3am, but guess what with DVR that is not even so bad anymore. To entice you into this one of the few good TV shows for videos, below is an excellent video from Pitchfork darlings Real Estate.

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Best TV Dramas: The American Primary Process

tv reviewsEveryone’s favorite TV drama this season is the Republican Party primaries. The cast of characters and dramatic twists evoke an all-male Dallas. Newt Gingrich, the pudgy Lothario, rising like a phoenix from the ashes of political shame. Mitt Romney, the square jawed millionaire, is he handsome enough to capture the heart of the Republican electorate? Rick Santorum, the gay sex obsessed bigot. Let’s not forget Ron Paul, the down home Texas boy who dreams big and talks crazy politics.

Thanks to changes in the primary process and 24/7 cable news coverage (since so many channels offer 24 hour election coverage it comes out to more like 96/7) the American political landscape has become a wildly entertaining spectacle. Weekly debates, more early primaries, and changes in how delegates are allocated mean we can enjoy this slugfest well past Super Tuesday (hopefully).

What do I see in for the future of the hit series? Rick Santorum continuing to bully gay Americans. Newt Gingrich’s other wife (from his open marriage) awakening from her coma. Ron Paul politely espousing insane political views (a return to the gold standard, anyone?) and Mitt Romney ascending to the Republican throne like Aragorn in Return of the King.

TV reviews for the primaries have been positive. Let’s hope more good TV shows come out of the Republican Party soon (College Republicans gone wild (fiscally)?).

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A Glee Proposal

Warning: Spoiler alert

The theme of last night’s Glee episode centered around marriage…the perfect topic that teenagers should be talking about… The episode was hard to swallow for all those single, like myself, who have been surrounded by dozens of engagement announcements over the past year. Or maybe that was just me. Despite being completely ecstatic at the thought of Will and Emma finally getting engaged, I couldn’t help but groan when Will wrote “marry me” on the whiteboard for this week’s musical assignment.

Despite the sappy songs I was forced to listen to, I couldn’t help but swoon over the final number. My girly instincts won out for a change. (Go Will!) But the exchange before that between Sue and Becky practically had me in tears. When Ryan Murphy wants a dramatic scene, he knows how to lay it on thick. It simply reinforced why I love Sue Sylvester so damn much. She may have a forked tongue, but when it comes to the mentally challenged, she’s as fierce as a kitten.

It’s the few heartfelt episodes like last night’s that keep me watching. Because let’s face it people, this season of Glee hasn’t been living up to our expectations. And we all know next season will be a bust with the graduation of some of the best characters. On a final note, Finn proposing to Rachel?! I didn’t see that one coming and I wish it never happened. I don’t think we should be promoting teenage marriage Mr. Murphy. Bad form.

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TV Star Chef Won’t Give Up Butter

Star of Food Network tv shows left right and center Paula Deen, has revealed this week that she has been diagnosed with Type II diabetes. While rumors have been circling for only a few weeks, apparently the queen of southern cuisine has been battling the disease for three years!

She’s got this in common with about 25 million Americans and about 75 million more are termed pre-diabetic. Might this have something to do with the fact that Paula has fried everything under the sun? While she told the Today show that she agrees that kind of food is a cause for bad health she has always “preached moderation.”

I share with you all these yummy, fattening recipes, but I tell people, in moderation, you can have that little piece of pie. Honey, I’m your cook, not your doctor. You are going to have to be responsible for yourself.

Paula has also been part of a shake up in the food world with TV star and world traveler Anthony Bourdain. Bourdain who knows good TV shows when he sees them does NOT think that Deen qualifies. “Her food is *bleeping* bad for you!” You tell her, Tony.

Deen replied with a drawling “Get a life.” Reports that she also threw a pound of butter at him are not confirmed.

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Warning: Big Bang Theory Choking Hazard

I’m thoroughly convinced certain television shows should come with warning labels such as “This show sucks,” “Bring tissues,” and “Choking hazard.” The last applies to my new favorite TV show The Big Bang Theory, a show I once had no interest in whatsoever. I would listen to my family members chatter about some guy named Sheldon, something about soft and warm kitties, and rock, paper, scissor, lizard, Spock. Yeah, you might see why I had no desire to initially watch it.

Then TBS decided to start playing reruns about 2-3 nights a week for 3 hour blocks. I saw 1 episode and was hooked. It’s absolutely hilarious. My poor roommate now has to suffer the sound of my laughter for a good 2 hours a night. What makes the show genius, besides being about 4 geniuses, is the blend of science and geek humor with the simple stupidity of even the smartest of men. You don’t have to be a comic book geek or an astrophysicist to find this show hilarious, although it does help. If my mom can find the humor in its ridiculousness, so can you. But be forewarned that you shouldn’t eat while watching this show. It’s one of the few shows that actually makes me laugh from start to finish.Thank you The Big Bang Theory for my many near-death experiences.

Bazinga!

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New Girl Withdrawals

It’s been weeks and frankly I feel a longing and a depression I have not felt since my two and a half year non-relationship ended last February(I’m a guy in my 20′s, I have commitment stuff and I’m sorry). I miss her voice and the way she’d wink at me. I miss all of her annoying quirks, I even miss those three dumb guys she lives with who as time has gone on have revealed themselves to not be completely awful.

I’m going through New Girl withdrawal guys. I miss Zooey Deschanel or maybe more specifically her charmingly quirky character Jess. Frankly I am getting the feeling she is not thinking of me at all. Each Tuesday I sit down in front of the television hoping for new adventures and each week I get a repeat. It’s not that it belongs in the pantheon of good TV shows that I am engaged with, it’s that it fills an emotional hole that the company of a woman might otherwise occupy.

Basically guys, I do not know if I have the emotional stability to keep enjoying New Girl. Seems like ever time there is a hiatus or god forbid if the show ever get’s cancelled I am going to be left reeling. I do not think I can live like this.

Please come back New Girl and don’t ever leave again. I’m nothing without you.

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Prometheus

this movieRidley Scott, Director of Blade Runner, Alien and Thelma and Louise, is a mere months away from unleashing his newest creation Prometheus. Many of you may remember Blade Runner, because it is the greatest movie ever made. Prometheus looks like Blade Runner (Ridley Scott’s best movie) had sex with Alien (Ridley Scott’s second best movie). This movie was originally going to be a prequel to Alien, but Scott decided it would be cooler as an independent (but admittedly alienesque) franchise.

Prometheus has an all-star cast that includes Michal Fassbender, Charlize Theron, Patrick Wilson, Guy Pearce, and Noomi Rapace. The plot remains shrouded in mystery but loosely it is about a group of explorers who go looking for the origins of mankind but discover something more sinister. Scott himself described the movie as “… really tough really nasty. It’s the dark side of the moon”.

Unfortunately we will have to wait until June 2012 before Prometheus hits theaters. At his point both an R and PG-13 rated version will be made. It will be up to Fox Films to decide which of the two versions gets distributed (keep your fingers crossed for the R version). Will this film stack up when compared to other Scott classics? Only time will tell.

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Pawn Wars

How many shows could you possibly create about the life of a pawn shop? Obviously, the answer is several. After the immense success of TV shows like “Deadliest Catch” and “Ice Road Truckers” they ran out of ideas for dangerous types of jobs and instead gave us shows like “American Pickers” and “Pawn Stars.”

A note to TV networks: not all jobs are interesting to watch. That being said, I will definitely be in line for casting calls for the next show that features bloggers.

True, the first iteration of the pawn shop show, “Pawn Stars,” was interesting. It had a cast of fun people and I actually didn’t feel like throwing my TV out the window when it came on. Then came the upstarts trying to capitalize on the success of the History Channel show.

Now “Hardcore Pawn” and “Pawn Queens” are vying for the attention of those viewers interested in that type of show. “Hardcore Pawn” lays claim to the title “First Family of Pawn” I think the guys out in Vegas would have a hard time believing that.

Truth be told, the only reasons to watch these shows is to see the cool stuff that people come into the shop with. But I think soon we might see a prime time smackdown between these pawning shows. I’ve seen the size of these guys and I’d buy a front row seat.

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Antiques Road Show: Too Hot for TV

Fans of Antiques Roadshow should make sure they watch Antiques Roadshow: Naughty or Nice while it is available for free viewing from PBS. PBS offers many episodes of Antiques Roadshow on its website but the Naughty or Nice special only comes around during the holidays so time is almost up!

Antiques Roadshow: Naughty or Nice amounts to all the footage that was too raunchy for regular Antiques Roadshow (I know it is hard to imagine footage too risqué for Antiques Roadshow. It is a veritable sex festival). Some of these items include boudoir poetry, a painting signed “To Horny” (Horny’s son brings it in), and other item too hot for The Roadshow.

It is not often you get to be simultaneously educated and sexually excited but this episode does both. I found I was more glued to the screen than during a typical episode of Antiques Roadshow. If this episode doesn’t arouse your interest in antiques then nothing will.  Watching this episode of Antiques Roadshow is a great couple’s activity, especially for the older couple who is looking to spice things up romantically.

Finally someone is recognizing our nation’s erotic treasures. Make sure to donate money to PBS when you visit their website. Those sexy antiques are not going to appraise themselves, you know.

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